On Thin Ice

Outstretched in the back seat of his friend’s Honda Accord on the way to Revere Beach, he felt the vibrations of the techno on the stereo pulsating through his back. “I ate seven ecstasy pills that night, and it was the first time I’d ever tried it,” he said nonchalantly.  “It felt like I was in heaven. It felt like I was in love. It was the coolest feeling ever.”

He doesn’t remember the first time he took drugs, although he does recall it being sometime during his sophomore or junior year of high school. He knows the reason behind it was simple- to have fun. “This girl that I was chillin’ with…she had parties all day…she had an older sister who was into drugs and she was prescribed Klonopins and Adderall. We would stay up and drink and take all these Adderalls and black out and stay up for hours. And then she would just feed me Klonopins. I’d wake up hung-over and she would just give me more. I’d be like a zombie all day.”

But when ecstasy was introduced into his circle at the end of his junior year, he switched from the downers and claims he fell in love, admitting to taking ecstasy at least 50 times before school resumed in the fall. 

Despite his habitual drug-use, his parents remained unaware. “They just kind of thought ‘boys will be boys, let him go out.’ I’d come home in the morning and I’d look like shit, but they just thought I didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

Because of his wild summer, he showed up for his last season of football out of shape and completely unprepared. “I did all the double sessions, all the pre-season, and the first exhibition game, and then I quit.”

While he has mixed feelings now about his decision to quit, at the time being off the team was an excuse to continue having fun during his senior year. Painkillers returned to his repertoire, and he found himself sneaking out of class to snort pills in the bathroom. “This was my senior year, and I figured I had nothing left to lose. I had gotten into college, I was set.”

When he arrived at Franklin Pierce he describes a new phase of his drug use, trying cocaine for the first time, and continuing with heavy drinking and use of prescription pills. By the time he reached sophomore year, however, he felt he had grown out of the ‘drug scene,’ and cut back on his use. “Everyone was loving rolling, and I was like, I’ve been doing this for four years now, I’m over it.”

But when his cell phone vibrated on one morning in May, everything started to spin out of control. On the other end of the line was his mother, who broke the news that his father had been having an affair. The next time he heard from his dad, it was only to deliver more devastating news. “He left me a voicemail saying my grandmother had died. When I went home for the wake…that was the first time I did oxycontin. I knew my boys had been selling them, and we were in the basement and we just did it all. Your whole body just feels absolutely amazing.”

Once he returned to Franklin Pierce he continued taking oxycontin, sometimes ditching class to take the hour-and-a-half drive home if he couldn’t find any in the area. “I kept doing them, and doing them,” he said. “And it was all I could think about.”

His mental addiction was soon accompanied by dope-sickness, and the weakness in his body made getting out of bed in the morning a struggle. “I’ll wake up and feel like I just ran the Boston Marathon.”

When his girlfriend of a year discovered the reality of his addiction this past January, the spiral of alcohol, marijuana, and painkillers came to a halt. “I don’t think I do or will ever know the full extent of his addiction,” she said. “Finding out was like a wave of crazy emotions all at the same time and I felt like there was no one I could depend on.”

A relationship with drugs or a relationship with her was the ultimatum he received. “She said it’s the pills or me. The second she told me to stop taking pills I immediately stopped,” he said. But he still was experiencing the pain of physical and mental withdrawals, which continues to occur.

For now, he hopes he can continue on the path of recovery without clinical help. “I can get over this. I hope I never have to hit rock bottom. But being honest with myself, it’s hard to admit that I have such a weakness for this. I think things are going to work out…but I’m on thin ice.”