Wrong: Deputy Town Clerk, Thomas Dow said, “Yadda yadda yadda.”

Correct: Deputy Town Clerk Thomas Dow said, “Yadda yadda yadda.”

Or: Thomas Dow, Deputy Town Clerk for Keene, said, . . .

But wordly slightly differently, the following is correct:

The Deputy Town Clerk, Thomas Dow, said, “Yadda yadda yadda.”

Wrong: Former U.S. Congress candidate, Arnie Arnesen said, “Blah blah blah.”

Correct:  Professor Arnie Arnesen, a former U.S. Congressional candidate, said, . . .

Or: The former U.S. Congress candidate, Arnie Arnesen, said, “Blah blah blah.”

Information that comes after a name and helps identify the person is treated like a title after a name.

Correct: Freshman Tania Liberata, who helped at the festival, said . . .

Properly punctuate the following:

Marabeth Farmer the head of community service said . . .

Professor Fred Rogers  one of the judges said

One of the judges Professor Fred Rogers said . . .

Joe Blow a junior said

Junior Joe Blow said

The junior of the group Joe Blow said

Reminder, when listing times, use lower case followed by periods: 6 a.m. to
11 p.m.

Wrong: 6 AM to 11 PM,  6a.m. to 11p.m.

See how these practices can save words in your own copy without sacrificing meaning or information. Each of these examples came from recent stories in a U.S. newspaper where I conducted a recent workshop. Out of consideration for the writers, I have changed the names, places and other identifying information to generic names.

• Published: There were no hotels open by the time the storm hit. (11 words)
  Tighter: All hotels closed before the storm hit. (7 words)
  How: Banish there, strengthen verb, use word instead of phrase.
• Published: For those patients in whom the cancer has spread from the pancreas, as was true in Doe’s case, there is no cure. (22 words)
  Tighter: Pancreatic cancer cannot be cured when it spreads, as Doe’s had. (11 words)
  How: Banish there, strengthen verb, use word instead of phrase, condense phrases.
• Published: Students enroll for their convenience and flexibility. Since their computer is their classroom, students don’t have to live anywhere near campus. And since the classes are tailored for working adults, they are offered during the evenings and on weekends. (39 words)
  Tighter: Students enroll for convenience and flexibility. Since their computer is their classroom, students don’t have to live near campus. Colleges offer evening and weekend classes to attract working adults. (29 words)
  How: Cut extraneous their and and, change passive verb to active, use words instead of phrases.
• Published: Doe is not married. (4 words)
  Tighter: Doe is single. (3 words)
  How: Say what is, not what isn’t.
• Published: He now practices with the law firm of Doe, Roe, Woe and Hoe. (13 words)
  Tighter: He practices with the law firm of Doe, Roe, Woe and Hoe. (12 words)
  How: Cut redundant now used with present tense.
• Published: “The board took advantage of an opportunity to expand the incentive to remediate students in science and social studies,” board President John Doe said at a meeting at the Anytown School for the Deaf and Blind. “It’s apparent that the Remediation and Recovery program has been very successful with respect to English and math.”
  Several superintendents of local school divisions had complained to state education officials that some of their schools were being penalized for letting their students retake SOL tests they had failed. (85 words)
  Tighter: Several local superintendents had complained that some schools were being penalized for letting students retake SOL tests.
  President John Doe said at a meeting at the Anytown School for the Deaf and Blind that the board would expand the incentive to retest students in science and social studies. He said retesting has been successful in English and math. (59 words)
  How: Paraphrase quotes, condense and eliminate phrases.
• Published: That conviction was overturned by an appeals court. (8 words)
  Tighter: An appeals court overturned that conviction. (6 words).
  How: Change passive verb to active.
• Published: He has been endorsed by many law enforcement officers in the district. (12 words)
  Tighter: Many police have endorsed him. (5 words)
  How: Change passive verb to active, use word instead of phrase, eliminate needless phrase. If you think police is too specific to cover sheriff’s deputies or other officers who aren’t part of a municipal police force, shorten to law officers (but the dictionary definition supports the use of police).
• Published: The slogan is being adopted by John Doe as he … (10 words)
  Tighter: John Doe is adopting the slogan as he … (8 words)
  How: Change passive verb to active.
• Published: Roe also utilizes film sessions to study other teams’ punters. (10 words)
  Tighter: Roe also uses film to study opposing punters. (8 shorter words)
  How: Change utilizes to uses, drop extraneous word, condense phrase to a word.
• Published: Last week, approximately 13,000 people used the trains daily. (9 words)
  Tighter: Last week, about 13,000 people used the trains daily. (shorter 9 words)
  How: Change approximately to about.
• Published: Some money collected for disaster relief could be used to purchase the land. (13 words)
  Tighter: They could buy the land with money collected for disaster relief. (11 words)
  How: Change passive verb to active, change purchase to buy.
• Published: In last year’s presidential election, voters living in the seven localities that make up the district cast 62 percent of their ballots for Republican George W. Bush. (27 words)
  Tighter: Last year voters in the district cast 62 percent of their presidential votes for Republican George W. Bush. (18 words)
  How: Condense phrases, eliminate phrases
  If it’s important to mention the seven localities, you can still tighten: Last year voters in the district’s seven localities cast 62 percent of their presidential votes for Republican George W. Bush. (20 words)
• Published: Doe, 50, who also trained for a while at the neurosurgery program … (12 words)
  Tighter: Doe, 50, who also trained briefly at the neurosurgery program … (10 words)
  How: Replace phrase with a word.
• Published: Doe makes his home in Anytown. (6 words)
  Tighter: Doe lives in Anytown. (4 words)
  How: Replace phrase with a word.
• Published: But there are times that a witness or a victim will be handed a stack of photos. (17 words)
  Tighter: Sometimes police will hand a witness or victim a stack of photos. (12 words)
  How: Drop there, but, a and that, change passive to active.
• Published: The burning cross – one of America’s most enduring acts of domestic terrorism – has been given the spark of legitimacy by the state’s highest court. (24 words)
  Tighter: The state’s highest court has given the spark of legitimacy to the burning cross – one of America’s most enduring acts of domestic terrorism. (22 words)
  How: Change passive to active.
• Published: A retirement community is needed in the area because many lifelong residents are having to leave Anytown to find a home that suits their needs, Rita Roe said. (28 words)
  Tighter: The area needs a retirement community because many lifelong residents leave Anytown to find a home that suits their needs, Rita Roe said. (23 words)
  How: Change passive to active, condense phrase.
• Published: Anytown is still without a Wal-Mart, nearly 1½ years after the town fathers gave the contentious project their blessing. (19 words)
  Tighter: Anytown still has no Wal-Mart, nearly 1½ years after town fathers blessed the contentious project. (15 words)
  How: Choose stronger verbs, drop the.
• Published: Whig John Doe was declared the victor in the race for governor last night, ending eight years of Tory control of the Executive Mansion. (25 words)
  Tighter: Whig John Doe won the race for governor last night, ending eight years of Tory control of the Executive Mansion. (21 words)
  How: Change passive to active.
• Published: Welcome to the “Boiler Room,” the centerpiece of Doe’s sophisticated get-out-the-vote effort, intended to identify the Democrat’s supporters and assure that they get to the polls. Built on a database of supporters and potential supporters, tracking key precincts around the state, the massive effort appears unparalleled in its scope. (49 words)
  Tighter: Welcome to the “Boiler Room,” the centerpiece of Doe’s sophisticated get-out-the-vote effort, intended to identify the Democrat’s supporters and assure they get to the polls. Built on a database of supporters and potential supporters, tracking key precincts around the state, the massive effort appears unparalleled in scope. (47 words)
  Tighter still: Welcome to the “Boiler Room,” the centerpiece of Doe’s sophisticated get-out-the-vote effort, intended to identify the Democrat’s supporters and assure they vote. Built on a database of supporters and potential supporters, tracking key precincts around the state, the massive effort appears unparalleled in scope. (44 words)
  How: Drop that and its. Replace phrase with word.
• Published: To make up for little news coverage, they spent several million dollars on television advertising to get out their messages. (20 words)
  Tighter: To make up for little news coverage, they spent several million dollars on television advertising. (15 words)
  How: Eliminate redundant phrase.
• Published: In return he believes he got very little thanks except a sour sendoff to his administration. (16 words)
  Tighter: In return he believes he got little thanks except a sour sendoff to his administration. (15 words)
  How: Drop very.
• Published: But recent restructuring has shifted the focus of SOS. There is now a central SOS board that pursues statewide advocacy for government-run pounds, and there are eight to 10 SOS affiliates that handle rescue and adoption work, among other issues. (40 words)
  Tighter: Recent restructuring has shifted the focus of SOS. A central board pursues statewide advocacy for government-run pounds, and eight to 10 SOS affiliates handle rescue and adoption work. (28 words)
  How: Drop but, theres, thats and redundant now, eliminate phrase.

Excerpted from “Using Commas,” available at //owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html.

Commas in the wrong places can break a sentence into illogical segments or confuse readers with unnecessary and unexpected pauses.

12. Don’t use a comma to separate the subject from the verb.

An eighteen-year old in California, is now considered an adult. (incorrect)
The most important attribute of a ball player, is quick reflex actions. (incorrect)

13. Don’t put a comma between the two verbs or verb phrases in a compound predicate.

We laid out our music and snacks, and began to study. (incorrect)
I turned the corner, and ran smack into a patrol car. (incorrect)

14. Don’t put a comma between the two nouns, noun phrases, or noun clauses in a compound subject or compound object.

The music teacher from your high school, and the football coach from mine are married. (incorrect: compound subject)
Jeff told me that the job was still available, and that the manager wanted to interview me. (incorrect: compound object)

Accuracy